Do what thou wilt.
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I must say, I really am loving the almost winter sunlight today. For whatever reason, (most laugh at me when I say this) there is just something about the cooler air and seeing my breath that makes me feel so peaceful. Winter can be an introverts playground.

I went out for lunch today rather than staying inside my office. As I waited at the counter for my pad thai, a man came in for his carry out as well. He was probably in his late 30's and was so friendly to everyone he encountered. He smiled, his energy was peaceful. He obviously was a regular at this thai place because all the girls asked him where he had been. This man started to explain that he had lost his mother in law, and his pregnant wife all within 52 hours. His mother in-law passed away from cancer, and his wife had a brain aneurism. He was still standing, still smiling.

Life is consistently reminding me how important it is to be grateful for every. single. day. And to never take anything for granted, but especially the ones who surround our fragile bubbles with love.

Jelly Fish Sky
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Today while I was raking leaves, I took a break to lay down upon my porch and gazed at the clouds for a while. It was meditative to just sit there and admire the slowly morphing clouds above my head. I saw jelly fish, whales, some triangles and a pitch fork. The sky that was morphing ever so slightly, yet drastically all at once, reminded me as humans, we aren’t really too different from the sky above. We are always changing, always evolving and sometimes, just as the sky, if you don’t stop to look once in a while you can’t really see the change within.

I’ve been working on changes within my self as of late, and I have felt frusteration feeling as if I am not changing at all. But admiring the clouds earlier reminded me how hard it can be to see change within ones self. Patience is a virtue I am learning and I hope to continue learning through out the rest of my life.

Something else that is also on my mind, which also sparked up from watching the sky this evening, is how temporary and fragile EVERYTHING truly is. Just another reason to truly appreciate and love every moment you are alive. The weight of being so temporarily physical can be heavy to bare but at the same time, it is beautiful. I don’t know if I would like to physically exist in this form forever. Or maybe I would, it would feel pretty sweet to tell people I was 1055 years old (I just imagined a cake with 1055 candles on it and laughed pretty hard).

This journey can be quite a mystery. It feels like I am constantly trying to solve a puzzle where the solution is impossible to recognize. I get clues every once and while, and feel I get close to a solution but ultimately, I never do. I will never stop questioning this mystery I am living and I pray that I will always find the beauty within it.

I think I need to write more.
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I know probably no one reads this any more which is totally fine. I think I need to write more. It seemed it was pretty healthy for my brain at the time I used to write a lot.

But, I don't have much to say. I think I am kindof scared to write now. Fall is proof that even death is beautiful.

(no subject)
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Desperado, why dont you come to your senses?
You been out ridin fences for so long now
Oh, youre a hard one
I know that you got your reasons
These things that are pleasin you
Can hurt you somehow

Don you draw the queen of diamonds, boy
Shell beat you if shes able
You know the queen of heats is always your best bet

Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones that you cant get

Desperado, oh, you aint gettin no youger
Your pain and your hunger, theyre drivin you home
And freedom, oh freedom well, thats just some people talkin
Your prison is walking through this world all alone

Dont your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky wont snow and the sun wont shine
Its hard to tell the night time from the day
Youre loosin all your highs and lows
Aint it funny how the feeling goes away?

Desperado, why dont you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences, open the gate
It may be rainin, but theres a rainbow above you
You better let somebody love you, before its too late

oh how i love that song.

My first surgery
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hello journal. Its been a while hasn't it?
Yesterday April 28th I got my gall bladder removed. It was the first surgery I ever had.
I got to the hostpitel and they took me right away, which shocked me because usually with all these doctors i've had to wait and wait and wait!
They took me back to the pre operation room, and I sat in this rocking chair that was comfy. I had to wear these stockings so i didn't get blood clots and cute little footie things. I wanted to keep them but they didn't let me haha.
So I got the IV in me there, and it took like 3 times and hurt really bad but I tried to be strong. I kept saying sorry to the lady because I didn't want to make her feel bad. Once the IV was in they made me take out my contacts and walked me to the operation room. It was really surreal, it was like those super bright lights and all kinds of doctors everywhere. They had me lay down and put really warm blankets on me. The last thing I remember was my hand feeling like it was broken because it hurt so bad when they put the meds in me.

I woke up in the recovery room and i heard my heart monitor just going crazy, my heart beaat was at 170 and I was still kinda drugged but I was aware of everything. I was in so much pain, the most pain i've ever felt. I felt bad but i was screaming and crying and freaking out because it hurt so bad, i kept saying sorry to everyone for being so loud though which made them giggle a little. They kept giving me drugs but they wern't working. They said i had an extremely low tolerance to pain (or that my stomach is just extremely sensetiive) and a very high tolerance to drugs. They gave me 3 rounds of stuff thats like morphine i think, and then another round of soemthing stronger, and nothing was working. and then all the sudden I don't remember but the guy gave me a shot in my hip and it made me sleep for a while. I thought I was going to die though because i saw a white light.
Then I heard the most sweet voice and felt the most sweet touch of nickoli :0) I guess i was crying and yelling in pain and the nurses were trying to help. but Nick just asked if he could go and help and they finally let him in, and when he did my heart beat went to normal and all i was doing was smiling cause he was there. I don't remember alot of this, but thats what my mom told me. I also had to have enough meds to knock out a horse! can you believe that??

So I was moved to extenseive care and there i layed in a bed and Nickoli brought me flowers and chocolate and ice cream, he is so my man! he knows me so well. He got me some rice and fed me for a while. I guess i was trying to be sexy and told him all drugged up that i was naked under my gown hahaha and i had like oxygen tubes in my nose and stuff. My IV was all like bloody and gross too. So my mom had gone to dinner so it was just me and him for a while, he took such good care of me. I had to pee really bad though but couldn't move so i had a bed pan but that didn't work, and i trid the toliet but i couldn;t go from all the narcodicks. So I had to have a cathiter which HURT really bad but it felt good to get that pee out!
So I was in extenseive care till about 11:00 at night, so i was there for 9 hours. I almost had to stay over night but they let me go which made me really happy. So I didn't do well at all at first, but I think for the most part I was strong. Expesally because one of my biggest fears is needles and doctors.
I have to take these shots though in my belly which hurt really bad, but other than that, vikaden is helping.
This morning when I woke up though i was in a lot of pain like when I first woke up after surgery. but i took some vikaden and its helping a little, enough to sit here and type. Nickoli called me a little bit ago which gave me the energy to move around :0)

I saw photos of my gall bladder, and it was nasty! Where it was removed there was all this like black stuff. My doctor said it was alot worse than he expected and im really lucky i got it out when I did. I can't wait to recover completly and feel better. Even though im super sore, my actual stomach doesn't hurt anymore and my bowls feel so good! Thats a first in the last 10 years. Its amazing. I can't express how lucky I feel to be able to be healthy again!!!!! This whole thing has taught me so much. I don't think I could ever be angry or sad again.

Well so thats my story, i'll keep ya updated on how im doing :0)


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I think she is my twin....

(no subject)
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So all my stomach problems have been caused by my gall bladder.
It should be functioning at 70% but right now its functioning at 2% so its basically not working. So i have to get it out, which i am honestly excited about because i can't take feeling like crap anymore :)

(no subject)
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Kara tagged me to do this! hehe

A. List seven habits/quirks/facts about yourself. Don't be boring.
B. Tag seven people to do the same.
C. Do not tag the person who tagged you or say that you tag "whoever wants to do it".

1. I have a habit of picking at my skin/biting my lips when im sad or nervous. You can always tell how i am doing by how my lips look/knuckle looks

2. Every morning i wake up the first thing I do is play my guitar. The second thing I do is open the blinds, if i don't I feel really weird all day!

3. I am addicted to chocolate. Seriously, its a problem. If I don't eat it for a day I get really irritable and antsy.

4. i've never been drunk before but I imagine it would be hilarous.

5. I feel like the moon rules my life!

6. My deepest wish is to love and be loved

7. I laugh alot at my self, when I am alone. But then I feel kinda akward..

I choose heather, Rei, kashif and ronen to do this. :D

(no subject)
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I can't be your angel now
you've fallen too close to the ground
I've tried to come and fly you away
but I know that you are there to stay.

(no subject)
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I took pictures for the first time in a studio today :)

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