Desperado, why dont you come to your senses?
You been out ridin fences for so long now
Oh, youre a hard one
I know that you got your reasons
These things that are pleasin you
Can hurt you somehow

Don you draw the queen of diamonds, boy
Shell beat you if shes able
You know the queen of heats is always your best bet

Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones that you cant get

Desperado, oh, you aint gettin no youger
Your pain and your hunger, theyre drivin you home
And freedom, oh freedom well, thats just some people talkin
Your prison is walking through this world all alone

Dont your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky wont snow and the sun wont shine
Its hard to tell the night time from the day
Youre loosin all your highs and lows
Aint it funny how the feeling goes away?

Desperado, why dont you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences, open the gate
It may be rainin, but theres a rainbow above you
You better let somebody love you, before its too late



oh how i love that song.

hello journal. Its been a while hasn't it?
Yesterday April 28th I got my gall bladder removed. It was the first surgery I ever had.
I got to the hostpitel and they took me right away, which shocked me because usually with all these doctors i've had to wait and wait and wait!
They took me back to the pre operation room, and I sat in this rocking chair that was comfy. I had to wear these stockings so i didn't get blood clots and cute little footie things. I wanted to keep them but they didn't let me haha.
So I got the IV in me there, and it took like 3 times and hurt really bad but I tried to be strong. I kept saying sorry to the lady because I didn't want to make her feel bad. Once the IV was in they made me take out my contacts and walked me to the operation room. It was really surreal, it was like those super bright lights and all kinds of doctors everywhere. They had me lay down and put really warm blankets on me. The last thing I remember was my hand feeling like it was broken because it hurt so bad when they put the meds in me.

I woke up in the recovery room and i heard my heart monitor just going crazy, my heart beaat was at 170 and I was still kinda drugged but I was aware of everything. I was in so much pain, the most pain i've ever felt. I felt bad but i was screaming and crying and freaking out because it hurt so bad, i kept saying sorry to everyone for being so loud though which made them giggle a little. They kept giving me drugs but they wern't working. They said i had an extremely low tolerance to pain (or that my stomach is just extremely sensetiive) and a very high tolerance to drugs. They gave me 3 rounds of stuff thats like morphine i think, and then another round of soemthing stronger, and nothing was working. and then all the sudden I don't remember but the guy gave me a shot in my hip and it made me sleep for a while. I thought I was going to die though because i saw a white light.
Then I heard the most sweet voice and felt the most sweet touch of nickoli :0) I guess i was crying and yelling in pain and the nurses were trying to help. but Nick just asked if he could go and help and they finally let him in, and when he did my heart beat went to normal and all i was doing was smiling cause he was there. I don't remember alot of this, but thats what my mom told me. I also had to have enough meds to knock out a horse! can you believe that??

So I was moved to extenseive care and there i layed in a bed and Nickoli brought me flowers and chocolate and ice cream, he is so my man! he knows me so well. He got me some rice and fed me for a while. I guess i was trying to be sexy and told him all drugged up that i was naked under my gown hahaha and i had like oxygen tubes in my nose and stuff. My IV was all like bloody and gross too. So my mom had gone to dinner so it was just me and him for a while, he took such good care of me. I had to pee really bad though but couldn't move so i had a bed pan but that didn't work, and i trid the toliet but i couldn;t go from all the narcodicks. So I had to have a cathiter which HURT really bad but it felt good to get that pee out!
So I was in extenseive care till about 11:00 at night, so i was there for 9 hours. I almost had to stay over night but they let me go which made me really happy. So I didn't do well at all at first, but I think for the most part I was strong. Expesally because one of my biggest fears is needles and doctors.
I have to take these shots though in my belly which hurt really bad, but other than that, vikaden is helping.
This morning when I woke up though i was in a lot of pain like when I first woke up after surgery. but i took some vikaden and its helping a little, enough to sit here and type. Nickoli called me a little bit ago which gave me the energy to move around :0)

I saw photos of my gall bladder, and it was nasty! Where it was removed there was all this like black stuff. My doctor said it was alot worse than he expected and im really lucky i got it out when I did. I can't wait to recover completly and feel better. Even though im super sore, my actual stomach doesn't hurt anymore and my bowls feel so good! Thats a first in the last 10 years. Its amazing. I can't express how lucky I feel to be able to be healthy again!!!!! This whole thing has taught me so much. I don't think I could ever be angry or sad again.

Well so thats my story, i'll keep ya updated on how im doing :0)

Love
Jess

I think she is my twin....

So all my stomach problems have been caused by my gall bladder.
It should be functioning at 70% but right now its functioning at 2% so its basically not working. So i have to get it out, which i am honestly excited about because i can't take feeling like crap anymore :)

Kara tagged me to do this! hehe

A. List seven habits/quirks/facts about yourself. Don't be boring.
B. Tag seven people to do the same.
C. Do not tag the person who tagged you or say that you tag "whoever wants to do it".

1. I have a habit of picking at my skin/biting my lips when im sad or nervous. You can always tell how i am doing by how my lips look/knuckle looks

2. Every morning i wake up the first thing I do is play my guitar. The second thing I do is open the blinds, if i don't I feel really weird all day!

3. I am addicted to chocolate. Seriously, its a problem. If I don't eat it for a day I get really irritable and antsy.

4. i've never been drunk before but I imagine it would be hilarous.

5. I feel like the moon rules my life!

6. My deepest wish is to love and be loved

7. I laugh alot at my self, when I am alone. But then I feel kinda akward..

I choose heather, Rei, kashif and ronen to do this. :D

I can't be your angel now
you've fallen too close to the ground
I've tried to come and fly you away
but I know that you are there to stay.

I took pictures for the first time in a studio today :)

( More here )

Wind of change hit me today
as i saw my brother move away
I wake up to pain
it's getting hard to contain it
somedays

Don't know what I did to deserve this
This pain is beyond the physical surface
Maybe it's all just in my mind but
some say i've been too kind

If i've learned one thing, its hard to forget
it takes a strong one, to forgive
And maybe one day ill wake,
With out the tears to make
I'll be well and fine
this is beyond my mind

you blame it all on the devil
maybe im just not on your "level"
I stoped beliveing in hell years ago
Real hell is when you can't let things go

And maybe one day I will wake,
with out the tears to make
Maybe its all in my mind
but there is no such thing as being too kind.

ho hum.


i miss chris.

this is pretty great

I woke up this morning, and went to go open the blinds. I heard no one at the door but when i opened them, there were johova witnesses in the window. I just looked at them and walked away. I felt bad.

im writing because I have 15 minutes before i have to go be a hostess and my pains are really bad and i would like to try to ignore them some how.
I have been really up and down latly. Sometimes i feel really happy and great, and then like last night, i just cried for 2 hours.
I feel bad latly because I haven't been able to write much, musically speaking. I feel like I make people sad. I worry so much about everyone elses hearts, i forget about my own and what makes me happy. The hardest lesson in my life has been trying to balence out my extreme care for others, and caring about my self. I think they need to be equal in balence, although sometimes your self has to come first, so that you can be there for others too.

Somedays are just hard, i wake up with pain and feel sick. It kinda supresses my motivation for a lot of things. Maybe that is why i haven't been able to write songs. I just feel so tired all the time and I don't want to be lazy. but at the same time, theres just as many good things going on in my life. Atleast whatever is wrong with me is something that they think they can fix, and i'll be okay soon.

I started going to this non demoninational church that is really cool. What i believe for myself wouldn't nessisarly have to do with like Jesus or any particular religion but they don't really talk about that. More so just what it is to be a good person for the sake of being a good person. And theres a lot of music involved. i know most the people who play, and its really awesome. The priest guy is really hilarous.. its like stand up. that has been good for me. I always believed in prayer, i pray all the time. I don't tell many people that though. I don't pray to God because I don't really believe that there is just one God in the Catholic or christen sense. but i think prayer is just putting out good energy, cause whatever you want to happan and whatever you put out there will always come back to you. My prayers defitally get answered a lot .
Expessally when i was praying in that sweat lodge. I just said I wanted my brother to find his way in the world and be happy with kristen and music, and do something he loves.. and like 2 days later he was going to California so i believe that is really good that he is going.
Hmmmmmmmmmm what else is new..
ohhh me and sam played Stop this train at open mic and it was awesome. I love sam. I feel so special and great that I get to play with him so much. I think i would not be musically how i am if it wern't for him.
I didn;t pass my math class, but im not fretting over it. Due to the fact that i know i tried hard. It would be really bad if i knew i didnt try but i really did. Ill be retaking it for the third time. I feel kinda stupid but math just never really got along with me.
I don't really know what the point of writing in here was, i think to make me feel better. I think it made me feel better. Now its off to work.......
I hope ya'llllllll are doin well
christmas is soon!
It doesn't feel like it though, does it?


Jess

here you come knockin' on my door
when you said you don't need me any more
Do you really think im crazy enough,
to go throwing my good heart after bad love

What kind of fool do you think i am?
I ain't fallin for you all over again
I aint playin a game i know i can't win
what kind of fool do you think i am

Lost in your love, lord how i burned
You hurt me one time, but i finally learned
Now i found out what your lovin can do
So who do you think you're talkin to?

Tangling my heart with yours just brought me sarrow
You leave me smilin tonight but cryin tomorrow

So don't come knockin, on my door
Cause i know you dont need me anymore
I aint really crazy enough to go throwing my good heart after bad love



I think my dad serectly wrote this for me when i was little, predicting the future.

i am sorry all my entries are so sad

but i feel so sad tonight.

these two weeks have been hard.
im sorry to anyone if im distant
my cousin barb died today
im really in shock..
i dont know what else to say. :(

throw up and blood.
when will this ever end? :0(

My cousin :)

i was up till 3 crying and my eyes are all swollan
and the hostpitel called me trying to tell me all my stuff i gotta go in for
was for 8am in the morning tomarrow
im really irratable
and pmsing like no other
HUMPH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

( Pictures! )

they are all really big.

^ _^